Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Writing Will Help, Right?

I am sittting down to write tonight, because writing will help, right? I am anxious. I am worried. About what? Silly little feathered things- our chickens!! We have had four of the young ones fall ill lately and I am trying to decide what to do about them. The runt passed away last week. I think one of them, Iris ( named after a bearded Iris because she has a beard), has Marecks. That is what Pickle died from a year ago. It got me thinking how much
I miss that Chicken who thought she was a dog. She was an awesome chicken.

Part of me wants to take the chickens to the Georgia Poultry lab for a necropsy( chicken autopsy). They peacefully put them down and then figure out what made them sick. This could help save the rest of the flock if there is a contagion.

The other part of me wants to do everything I can to save them. I started them on a homeopathic remedy to see if there is any change. I bought them some hypericum and me some gluten free chocolate cake. Chicken Momma needs some medicine too! We'll see if there is a change. It could take days or weeks.

And yet, another part of me wants to crawl into bed with my chocolate cake and glass of wine and watch stupid teenage dramas on Netflix and forget that I have any chickens that need me to take care of them. I mean, I could do that right? They have food and water. They are good.

I don't know what I will do. I have had my cake. I have had my wine. I find myself remembering the One who is in control of it all. He knows my heart. He knows my little chickens. He knows that I am trying my best to care for them. That I love them. But more than that He knows that I love Him. He takes care of me. That is really what I am worried and anxious about, isn't it? If I made the right decision to be a Doula. To quit my job and head out into the great unknown. Wondering if we will make it. If I will have the amount of clients that I would like to have to make what I would like to make. Wondering if I can't get my chickens better, how can I care for a family with a new baby? But I can. They are different. They are separate. And yet, I have to trust God with both of them. Give both of these things over to the One who knows.

It's called surrender isn't it? Yeah. That word is hard to live. But I am trying, I am willing, willing to give my all and when there is nothing left in my all to surrender. I wish I could learn to surrender before my all is all gone. But that is how we are, isn't it? Wanting to spill ourselves out until we are empty. Thinking we can do it on our own. I can't do it on my own. I need God. I need Jesus. I need the Holy Spirit. I need grace and mercy. I need the friends that He has put in my life to uplift and encourage me, to challenge me and love me. Yeah, I am working toward surrender.

And writing does help.......

1 comment:

Jacoline said...

Keep it up, girl. You are loved!

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